But it's not as if I haven't had exciting times in the past. Fortunately for me most of the people I stayed with were totally oblivious when I disappeared for days, weeks, and months. They must have figured I was shipped off to someone else or ended up in the village dump or just kept in a box in the garage.
To prove I did lots of interesting things before, here are some pictures that I kept in a secret location only to be revealed today.
As you can see that about 30 years ago I was part of the team that sold sophisticated weapons to our new best friend. The various Republican administrations were embarrassed to have some one who was not part of the "country club" set so prominent in the picture so they airbrushed me out of all the official pictures. Saddam also had me taken out of the pictures because he said I "smelled funny." I find that odd because I smell with my nose just like everyone else.
Anyway, now the history books can be set straight. I was there when when we were all buddies and when U.S. weapons and know how made this guy a powerhouse in the region.
To make up for keeping me out of this and other historic pictures (I'll show those off another day) the President invited me to join him and Laura for a party.
I can't remember what event this was but you can clearly see that we were all having a good time.
But once again, these guys never wanted to admit I existed. What the public saw from this picture were airbrushed inserts of the Bush twins.
Some one told me the president was concerned that being seen with me too much in public would remind the people of his hard drinking days. Well, I am here to tell you that no matter how hard a drinker everyone said he was, he was strictly an amateur when it came to me and Elmira. If anything, I should be ashamed to be seen in public with such a weak drinker.
Some one from the CIA said the Bushes were also afraid of being seen as being too close to me because of a trip I made. Now I didn't know that anyone would take this picture, but it's still kind of nice of me and Elmira, don't you think?
I can understand why any U.S. politician would be afraid of being seen as being too close to some one who was that close to the Dear Nutcase. But we really aren't that close.
What happened was I ran into his son in Macao and helped him out of some troubles he was having with the Triads that ran some of the gambling houses there. My gold mine is still VERY profitable and I was once in debt and had some troubles that I won't go into right now but I decided to help this guy who seemed down on his luck. Who knew he was the eldest son of the Dear Nutcase!
Anyway, Elmira and I were invited to attend one of the many parades and events put on by the Dear Nutcase to show the North Korean people how well they have it.
When I got back there were some in the Congress, however, who thought I did the right thing by visiting North Korea and talking to the Dear Nutcase.
I was invited to speak before Congress. But again, the administration wanted to make sure no one knew about this so even though I have the pictures to prove it, there is nothing in the Congressional Record to show I ever spoke there.
You will have to judge for yourself about the authenticity of my claim. Here I am after making a particularly funny point at the expense of the House Clerk. And you know it either had to be funny because the VP is smiling.
All these great events happened with out my families knowing anything about the travels. At least with my current family I am encouraged to go out and see what is going on.
Elmira and I zipped over to Chicago recently to see what this guy Obama was all about. You can see us on the bridge behind him. Pretty interesting character.
We figured we better not leave out the other main contender in the Democratic Party race so we zipped up to New Hampshire to see what Hillary Clinton was all about.
I was fortunate to get a front row seat at a Clinton function. Elmira had to sit closer to the door. Someone muttered something about not trusting a mule to know when to get the bathroom on time. Elmira was impressed with Clinton but not so much with her insensitive staff. After all, Elmira told me later, she is a lot closer in DNA to the Democratic Party's mascot than most of the other people at that function. (When I pointed out that a couple of aides, including the ones who insulted Elmira, might
actually be closer, she agreed.)The Democrats tried to make it up to Elmira. I guess her braying and complaining paid off.
We got a call from the new Speaker of the House of Representatives. It wasn't a big deal or anything but Elmira did get a picture with Nancy Pelosi. We are waiting for an autographed copy so Elmira can put it on her side of the lamp shade and start her own vanity wall like you see in all the Congressional offices.
The other nice thing that happened was that Pelosi promised to put Elmira in touch with the leadership of the Democrats Senate and Congressional campaign committees. Seems they've been trying for years to get a representative of the party's symbol to put before the public. Elmira noted that explained the John Kerry campaign. Nancy just rolled her eyes but I swear she mutters, "Got that right."Lastly, I went with my family to Mt. Vernon yesterday (Sunday, Feb. 18, just before Presidents' Day). The Secret Service was setting up for a ceremony that was to include President Bush. One agent came over and asked for my identification. I showed him by jug of hootch -- that's how everyone else knows me. And it seems this agent knew me too. I guess I am on the White House's "Keep this guy as far away from the president as possible" list.
He was nice enough to let me see George Washington's mansion but I had to promise not to be anywhere near Mt. Vernon on Presidents' Day.
Hey, the winds were howling and the thermometer was stuck somewhere around 15F yesterday with today not expected to look much better. Why would I even consider going back out again?
Well, that's enough for today.
As I find more pictures of my historic trips, I'll post them on this site.
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